That Vague Suicidal Feeling

Grafitti Suicide by glueslabs

Occasionally I get the feeling that I would like to kill myself. I've been advised that this is common for people deep in grief. I am happy to report the impulse happens less frequently these days than in the months past.

It's hard to describe the feeling. It comes into my mind as a short, somewhat graphic fantasy. I think of slitting my throat in the bathtub, jumping off the bridge, or taking sleeping pills and running the car in the garage. Sometimes I try to calculate the most effective, least painful, least messy way to go.

I know I won't go through with it. Here's how I know:

1. Fear. Not only am I afraid of what happens to suicides in the afterlife, I'm afraid of accidentally surviving the attempt and ending up alive but severely disabled.
2. Love: I know that there are many people who love me and are pulling for me. Killing myself would inflict harm on them.
3. Hope: I expect things will continue to get better for me. I want to be around to see all the great things remaining in my life.
4. Learning: I don't know what the meaning of life is--or even if there is one--but killing oneself is like cheating in a marathon. I think we are here for the suffering as much as anything.

So, the question then is Why do I still get them?

I don't know, but I've decided to start noticing when they come to me. Yesterday, in the library, while looking over all sorts of colorful business books exhorting me to be the best salesman or to grow my business (I was doing this for a freelance writing assignment), I thought I would rather die.

This feeling has something to do with thinking about my future.